Despite being encouraged to stop comparing ourselves to others, it’s hard to do. Research suggests most of us are hardwired to compare ourselves to others in some ways. Research also shows that not all comparisons are harmful. How can we help rather than hurt our self-esteem by comparing ourselves with others?
One strategy is to focus on the similarities, to view people with stronger skill sets than ours as role models rather than as competitors. Research shows that others’ successes can be motivating. For example, imagine Alex and Sam are both selected to be trained as peer counselors. Sam receives more positive feedback from the trainers than Alex, and Alex begins to experience self-doubt — focusing on this difference and thinking “I’m not going to be as good of a peer counselor; I can’t do this.” However, if Alex instead focuses on the similarities and tries to frame Sam as a role model, Alex might think, “Sam and I train together, and she’s doing really well. I’m going to try to learn more about how she has been so successful.”
If you find yourself engaging in social comparisons and begin to feel self-doubt, try to focus on the similarities rather than the differences between yourself and the other person.
Another strategy is to set your own goals and standards of success. We can define success by our 1) personal growth, 2) ability to avoid failure, and 3) ability to perform better than others. Researchers have demonstrated that others’ accomplishments will negatively impact you only if you define your goals through your ability to perform better than others.
Get in the habit of setting your own performance/outcome and learning/process goals (weekly, monthly, annually).
A third strategy is to not look to just one person. Research suggests that when you identify your own career role models, you’re often combining positive attributes of a number of people who have positively impacted you, rather than just relying on one individual.
Focusing on attributes you admire in a range of different individuals, whether it’s persistence, leadership, or other qualities, allows you to learn from others while maintaining your authenticity.
These strategies can help, rather than hurt you when looking at the successes of others.
